From Low Lows to Lilac Bloom: Community as Medicine.
Notes on self-devotion, community, and the Burnout to Breakthrough program.
Two months ago I was caught in the turbulence of grief and burn-out, which inevitably led to another depressive episode. I felt robotic. Just doing the processes to get through the day, and not feeling an ounce of joy from it, which was disheartening in itself—I’m literally doing things I once dreamed of, and to feel so empty? Was a clear sign that something was wrong.
But I had no idea where to begin picking up the pieces.
I’m of the belief that healing is a combination of community and self-work. While it’s the responsibility of the individual to heal, some fears can be dispelled and wounds sutured quicker when witnessed in safety.
An echo of my ancestors and bloodline, where the individual is the responsibility of the community, I was seeking something that couldn’t be fixed by my partner or individual friendships—not that it’s their sole responsibility to. And not to say that they haven’t played a significant role in my journey. My heart was simply seeking…something.
There’s a group of women who, although not all blood-related, I call my cousins. We spent many a childhood weekend lumped into a room while the aunties and uncles played mahjong and sang karaoke, but have all gone our separate ways in adulthood. Naturally. Still, we try to meet once a year, and successfully did a couple months ago. Shame is the silent killer, and comparison the thief of joy, and I was afraid to lay my truths out on the table, knowing their successes and accomplishments could, in our parents’ eyes, eclipse mine on paper.
But I was met with compassion, one of the most powerful forces, and was tenderly reminded that I could put down the shame and replace it with love. These women love me, though we go months without speaking, and there was no need to hide myself away from them.
It’s these kinds of gatherings, these containers, that are crucial for a healthy life.
I desperately needed more of that. Something more consistent. I was yearning for mentors and women older than me, because I think everyone could benefit from expanding their circles beyond their age group. It’s important to be able to share circles with those who have already been through some of the things you’re going through. I love my friends, and our containers are important, but sometimes it’s the blind leading the blind; no one has it all figured out, and we’re sometimes too close to each other’s situations to be able to parse out the objective insights.
There’s something so rich about being in circle with older wise-women, as I’m reminded of when I took my Birthworker certification through the wonderful Lesley Everest and MotherWit in 2018, and felt Seen in ways my peers couldn’t offer at the time.
What you seek is seeking you, and gratefully, answers came in the form of an offering.
On April 1, I began the Burnout To Breakthrough group program facilitated by Kassandra, a longtime family friend who helped me get out of my own way and step into my role as a photographer last year.
It’s no secret that levels of anxiety, depression and burnout are rampant in our society, and I’m well aware that there are countless coaching programs that promise to turn your life around. But in my experience, the right facilitators and coaches don’t claim to be all-knowing or magical transformers. The right facilitators meet you where you’re at, and invite and guide you to take control of your life, with tenderness but not coddling; discipline but not demands; with transparency about their own journey and the things they’re working on, too. Not a teacher-student relationship, but a peer-peer relationship rich with accountability and none of the enabling. And they don’t charge you thousands of dollars.
And that’s who Kazz is.
On Day 1, we were asked to get clear on what our goal was. There’s something about being put on the spot that strips away all of the noise—the inner critic—and coaxes your honesty. There’s no time to overthink answers, to talk yourself out of your truth.
Boiled down, my answer was: To move from fear to capability.
Everything felt like a lot at the time. I wasn’t gaining joy from doing what I love and once dreamed of. I felt like I was barely managing myself, though doing it with a smile on my face. I couldn’t even fathom how much life could really turn around in 6-8 weeks. But two months later, I accomplished my goal.
I feel fucking capable, and thus I wanted to share some of my insights in the weeks since.
What has changed for me since the start of the program?
Decision-making paralysis → Mindful action.
My life tends to push me through trial by fire. Financial stress feels like one of the most suffocating forces in this society, and it can swallow you whole, preventing you from mustering up the energy to change your circumstances.
But as I was reminded in this program, first, you feel the weight of the world, and then you become curious. Where am I not honouring my own personal power? More and more, I have learned that acknowledging a feeling of helplessness is not a death sentence, but a marker of the inner fire yearning for change.
It started with little things, like simply stretching my body daily, to help myself feel more at home in my vessel. Then it shifted and progressed, building momentum, creating space to find answers. Ie. Getting another job to supplement my income.
Self-doubt about my photography business, skills, and booking more clients → Not forcing it and redirecting attention elsewhere.
Nature has seasons. So, too, do businesses, and personal endeavours. What made all the difference was shifting the narrative, to make peace with the fact that months where business is slow is time to pour into other, neglected areas. It worked out perfectly that my slowest month allowed me to settle into a new job.
Surrendering to that slowness in one area and focusing on another ultimately meant that now that I had more stable income, I then watched my bookings go up—so all that worrying? No need for it!
Desperation and people-pleasing → Healthier time boundaries and listening to my body’s “yes” and “no.”
Shifting my attention to other areas of my life has been so important. Equally important has been practicing listening to my body more, and recognizing when I simply needed to carve out more time for rest. The whole point is to recover from burn-out, right? Kazz helped guide us in implementing better boundaries, and the results were immediate.
It’s hard to break out of people-pleasing when you’ve been one your whole life, but putting myself first means being able to show up for other commitments better, and my energy reserves aren’t feeling so painfully depleted all of the time. That’s not to say that I don’t have incredibly busy stints throughout the weeks, but they’re not leaving me dreading waking up; I get through the busy moments and then give myself intentional recovery time. And I do it all again, but with much more mindfulness about where I can fit things, and how I can shift things around to better serve me.
Less (financial) stress → Gaining clarity and energy to pour into my novels again.
It’s hard to get into the mindset of creativity when we’re leaking energy into life’s stresses. Because I surrendered, because I tended to the leaks, I have finally gained the energy to take on drafting, outlining and revising works I have had on the back burner for years. This is perhaps the thing I’m most excited about, because I’ve carried a lot of guilt and shame about not being able to devote energy to my passions over the last couple years.
All-consuming shame, self-loathing, and depression → Much more grace and self compassion.
The dark moments are passing without taking me out for weeks. I’m not naive enough to believe that this is the end-all-be-all of my emotional rollercoasters, after all, I’m a feeler and I embrace it, but I’ve noticed my ability to bounce back quicker. Without painting over my feelings or shoving them down deep until they explode.
Not only that, but my circle of tolerance has expanded, meaning my reactions aren’t volatile like they once were. (First shout out to therapy, and shout out to Kazz for reminding me of the tools I learned in therapy but stopped practicing).
“Cosmic blindness” and the inability to envision positive timelines → Feeling infinite potential again
I’m no longer feeling like I’m sitting in a dark cavern struggling to light an oil lamp. I’ve often told my sister that in times of severe stress, I feel “blind”; no longer in tune with my intuition, no longer tapped into cosmic potential.
Not every detail of the road is ironed out—is it ever?—and there’s still some discomfort surrounding the Great Unknown that is my future, but I’m able to hold space for its existence without it eclipsing the vastness that does exist. Good and beautiful things in my life do exist, and they’re worth being grateful for without letting them be tainted by the unknown.
The unknown =/= bad.
I can’t speak highly enough about Kazz and the work she does. If individual or group therapy is intimidating or inaccessible, or the thought of a clinical setting or approach is intimidating, working with her is a wonderful alternative.
Gathering in a group of strangers can be uncomfortable at first, but it was powerful to be in a space with women from all walks of life, in various parts of the continent. To hear women older than me be so candid of their journey helped dispel the nagging voice that no one understands, or my friends can’t relate to my wounds, therefore I have to do this alone. And the consistency of a 6-8 week program meant there was no more room to shove things down and ignore them; we were going to tackle them each week, as things came up.
And… I’m so much better for it.
Another Burn-out To Breakthrough program is set to begin on June 23rd, and if this is the sign you needed, you can find more information about Kazz (Kassandra) and the services she provides here:
IG: wholehealthlifecoach or kassandra_hamilton
TikTok: wholehealthcoach
The thing that echoes with me from my time with Kazz and my cohort is that: Self-devotion and showing up for yourself is truly the most important part of crafting a life of alignment.
— Someone who looks at her calendar and doesn’t feel overwhelmed; who looks at her bank account and doesn’t feel fear.
On to the next adventure.